Shabbat
This is strange: not sure what to make of it. For the second week since our Rabbi and Rebetzin have been out of town, I have not celebrated Shabbat with the family. I mean, yesterday was just like a regular day. Now I am nervous. I don’t feel like this is good for me. I know I’ll miss it if I don’t do anything. Last week I cleaned and organized, which was very necessary, due to the state of home, but also baby due soon:
I’ve been reminds me of the quote by pianist Paderewski,
“If I miss one day of practice, I notice it. If I miss two days, the critics notice it. If I miss three days, the audience notices it.”
In my case, I start the day with a Modeh Ani, wash hands, and Shema. And every Shabbos we’ve been lighting candles (me and oldest daughter) as well as not working or doing work related planning on Friday evening or Saturdays.
Then, we often go to the local Shul and spend time with people there, even when we just arrive in time for the Kiddush.
We celebrate all the holidays (at the same shul, or at home, wherever is most appropriate).
Also, I have been working on getting our kitchen more kosher, and not eating non-kosher meat or mixing meat and milk in any way.
These last few weeks, I’ve gotten very lax on the meat issue. Feeling pressed for finances, and also being pregnant and tired and wanting a break, I somewhat gladly met my husband at the door when he did the shopping. He does not buy kosher meat or chicken, because of the cost.
I also got lax myself on buying only kosher items in general over the last month. Little things, like not buying kosher bread, because, “oh, what’s the big deal.”
That was the first step of a downward slide on kosher issues from my side of things. I just had had a week or two of “I don’t want to be in the kitchen or any housework or anything. I’m too tired.” over the last week of Dec and it was mostly due to all of us having the flu. But I got depressed too, and didn’t feel motivated to have principles in many things I usually do more carefully.
I have had a lot of negotiations going on lately: a contract with my midwife, buying a new-to-us minivan, renegotiating my work schedule for during maternity leave, trying to find childcare for my two younger children while they were on break over two weeks; it was a lot.
It’s not over yet.
I’m not sure how negotiating things in practical life with other people (which requires a LOT of self-encouragement and times of absolute nervousness and stuff like that) creates a lack of sticking to my minimum of religious standards.
Maybe I am negotiating away myself in some wierd form of payment for the feeling that I must have one or the other?
It feels unlike a rebellion, but a slide from my plan of positive movement forward in life.
All the ways in which I have become more observant over the last year-and-a-half have been life improvements, not constrictions to me.
I am going to continue this thought later, but it definitely is something to do with negotiating with others at expense of my own religious standards.
