Everyone around me. I don’t have any money. I am in debt. My husband is injured and depressed. My children are okay, but not ding well at their school because they aren’t doing their homework because I am not giving the tiem and space to do it, and they are all in one stupid room. One room for four kids. I want to move—to w_______, or somewhere near there: s________?

Maybe.

I want—I pray that this baby be born healthy.

Love,

FJB

True confession time, right?

I am working three peoples jobs in one half-day at work, since they layed off so much of staff.

I am feeling like a bad mother because I shouted at my kids lately.

I am sad. I want somebody to tell me it’s all right.

Did you know that it’s almost impossible to think of good things after you get little sleep. I read something on it once. An article

I am not feeling talented at all. I deserve to live because I am born. I am not a bad person, but I don’t know what I am contributing in this world, other than being a mother who is not too bad most of the time, if unorganized many times; a wife who is good and faithful, but can’t get the housework done, and I still don’t understand why my husband is disapointed in me from day one; and what else am I doing? Am I polite to people on the phone? Yes, but that’s my job. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. Will we get out of this rat race?

Was I brought up with too expensive tastes? Yes. But I can’t even economize when I want to. I don’t spend much money, relative to my income, I do. I guess.

I hate counting pennies in the grocery store. I hate getting food coupons (They are for families with kids 3 and under, and pay for some basics like tuna fish/milk/cereal and beans). Even though we were going into debt, I stopped them. Why? Even though they saved me up to $80-100 a week. Because I had to stand in line and keep everybody in line behind me waiting. I think they make them hard for the cashier to process on purpose. Just so you won’t get them if you don’t absolutely need them. I hate telling people about my life, are my kids up to date on their vaccines. (a prerequisite for food coupons) How many hours do I work a day. How many do I plan to.

Did you know (this is horrible) a man killed his wife and 5 kids because they were in debt and they both were fired at once. It’s so horrible. I was especially attentive when I heard that they forged documents for income requirements to get govt funded childcare. I never did that, but I remember the lady helping me apply a helping me to calculate this way and that to get to the number that was definitely under the required amount. Once I was over by $100, and the childcare was gone the next day. The federal work people came in and checked during an overhaul of the budget and rechecked the documents and then said I was over. Ha! What people are driven to in their pain. God forbid, I should even think of anything like this man did, and I’m not. It made me think that I am much more prepared to face difficult circumstances after the situation I was in 4 years ago. God forbid it should happen to anyone else. I didn’t have a place to live and we had two children and me pregnant. My husband didn’t leave me behind. We worked together and got out of it. But now I feel bad. I am not doign well with the budget. Of course our federal government can’t balance a budget either. I feel like a failure. I want an “out” card. I want somebody to say, “this is your purpose in life,” or “these are the purposes you are supposed to reveal in your life–if you are not perfect this stuff counts, and this stuff doesn’t…” How do you know the difference? What in this life is absolutely worth doing?

I believe that it is worthwhile to have children. I believe it is worthwhile to get married. I believe it is worthwhile to love people. I believe that I am going to make it through this. I believe

I have talent. I am going to make it.

Are any of you having a hard time? Do you ever feel like God is nudging you to do a better job? I do. What job do you want me to do, God?

What happinesses would you like me to experience, and how would you prefer I would become the way I should be and receive all the Good you have for me???

http://greenprophet.com/2009/01/06/5657/breastfeeding-tips/

A couple of slightly more unusual tips for those of you who are considering baby feeding options.

Here is an article on the Chabad website I liked today “If you could be G-d for one week, what would you do” that actually seems like a good intro into Judaism…at least the way I introduced myself to it over the internet. It fits in better with my recent more-agnostic leanings that have been not strong enough to disturb me, yet.

Actually I think it’s good that I was getting away from my overly detailed analysis of everything. I was getting too involved in understanding details to the point it could have backlashed.

I am sad today at the same time as I am proud of my improvements as a healthy person.

Sad about:

• My shouting at my kids, even though it has been much less since I made a resolve to stop shouting a few weeks ago. (I am never sure if I fall in the mid-range of shouty-type mothers, although I suspect that I do. I am not a horrible howling monster, but I also do not always keep a level calm tone. Well only in public, anyway.
• Still not getting dinner on time
• Not having planned our budget and figured out how much I need to work now that the baby’s born; I keep hoping if I don’t that I’ll find out we are just fine with me at home working only an occasional hour or so, but really all I can say is: HA HA. REALITY CHECK PLEASE!!
• My little baby has a cold
• My friend’s little baby is not strong: any of you reading this, who does feel the urge, please say a little prayer that the baby become stronger and come home soon
• That I have not edited this post, and I am not sure what to delete since it looks mostly blah so far.

Things that I am happy about

• That I have enough presence of mind to write a happy list to balance out the sad list
• the relatively good health of my family members
• the pleasant mood my husband’s been in (he hasn’t complained too much…well, not too much…about the late dinners)
• Internet connection
• NPR radio
• The place we live is clean and warm, Thank G-d

I apologize about the un-well formed post, but this is today’s mode. Not perfect, but something.

Your Thinking is Abstract and Random

You are flexible, adaptable, and creative. There’s many ways that you can learn – and you’re up for any of them. You relate well to other people, and you do well working in groups. You can help people communicate together and work with each other’s strengths. You don’t work well with people who are competitive or adversarial. You prefer to work toward a common goal… not toward conflicting goals.

What Kind of Thinker Are You?

Oh well. That’s past. All went well, thank G-d, and we are going forward with getting the birth certificate. I am nervous about this whole process, since we have to have documentation about all the parts of the before and after status of pregnant vs. baby already born. It’s somewhat complicated, but not too bad. At least everyone’s been polite so far.

I’m being somewhat obscure since I don’t want to get too detailed till everything goes through fine; it is unnerving to have this status of not officially having a birth certificate. When I tried to make a newborn checkup appointment after a week, the receptionist could not figure out what to do, “What do you mean the baby has no name!” she stuttered. She didn’t seem to comprehend that the child is not born with a name imprinted on it somewhere, like a label on a toy. Most people have a name ready for the woman who makes rounds in the hospital collecting information–and that is why most must have a name all ready by then.

It is a serious decision (actually we decided on a name in time to make the Saturday morning Torah reading)! And I’m glad we waited the almost-week.

Thank you again for all the good wishes.

FJB

(The birth went naturally )

Now we are a family with a girl, boy, then girl, girl!

Four altogether… Wow!

Found this on Ways of Zion blog: wasn’t sure how to credit it, so am linking to where found…

It just seems SO true. I think I should start “paying myself” for the work I do at home–even if out of my own paycheck. Then I can buy groceries with it!!!

My six year old was asking me this morning (after I explained to her that I really don’t have the money for hot lunches from her school, and asked here to please stop teasing her brother about the juice packs I was putting in her lunch because it was making him jealous) why we don’t own a house and all have our own rooms.

What do you tell your kids when you can’t afford something you would like to give them? Do you tell them the truth, or make up a story or something inbetween?