True confession time, right?

I am working three peoples jobs in one half-day at work, since they layed off so much of staff.

I am feeling like a bad mother because I shouted at my kids lately.

I am sad. I want somebody to tell me it’s all right.

Did you know that it’s almost impossible to think of good things after you get little sleep. I read something on it once. An article

I am not feeling talented at all. I deserve to live because I am born. I am not a bad person, but I don’t know what I am contributing in this world, other than being a mother who is not too bad most of the time, if unorganized many times; a wife who is good and faithful, but can’t get the housework done, and I still don’t understand why my husband is disapointed in me from day one; and what else am I doing? Am I polite to people on the phone? Yes, but that’s my job. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. Will we get out of this rat race?

Was I brought up with too expensive tastes? Yes. But I can’t even economize when I want to. I don’t spend much money, relative to my income, I do. I guess.

I hate counting pennies in the grocery store. I hate getting food coupons (They are for families with kids 3 and under, and pay for some basics like tuna fish/milk/cereal and beans). Even though we were going into debt, I stopped them. Why? Even though they saved me up to $80-100 a week. Because I had to stand in line and keep everybody in line behind me waiting. I think they make them hard for the cashier to process on purpose. Just so you won’t get them if you don’t absolutely need them. I hate telling people about my life, are my kids up to date on their vaccines. (a prerequisite for food coupons) How many hours do I work a day. How many do I plan to.

Did you know (this is horrible) a man killed his wife and 5 kids because they were in debt and they both were fired at once. It’s so horrible. I was especially attentive when I heard that they forged documents for income requirements to get govt funded childcare. I never did that, but I remember the lady helping me apply a helping me to calculate this way and that to get to the number that was definitely under the required amount. Once I was over by $100, and the childcare was gone the next day. The federal work people came in and checked during an overhaul of the budget and rechecked the documents and then said I was over. Ha! What people are driven to in their pain. God forbid, I should even think of anything like this man did, and I’m not. It made me think that I am much more prepared to face difficult circumstances after the situation I was in 4 years ago. God forbid it should happen to anyone else. I didn’t have a place to live and we had two children and me pregnant. My husband didn’t leave me behind. We worked together and got out of it. But now I feel bad. I am not doign well with the budget. Of course our federal government can’t balance a budget either. I feel like a failure. I want an “out” card. I want somebody to say, “this is your purpose in life,” or “these are the purposes you are supposed to reveal in your life–if you are not perfect this stuff counts, and this stuff doesn’t…” How do you know the difference? What in this life is absolutely worth doing?

I believe that it is worthwhile to have children. I believe it is worthwhile to get married. I believe it is worthwhile to love people. I believe that I am going to make it through this. I believe

I have talent. I am going to make it.

Are any of you having a hard time? Do you ever feel like God is nudging you to do a better job? I do. What job do you want me to do, God?

What happinesses would you like me to experience, and how would you prefer I would become the way I should be and receive all the Good you have for me???

No wonder I was freaking out that I don’t have my birth set up all ready to go…

This birth has been very confusing and complicated to plan. I may go into this topic later–but for now I will say, this country is not set up to give women the birthing options they need and want. Cesareans, cesareans for everyone. I won’t have one (G-d willing) unless it is an absolute emergency. I am so tired of hearing about how government insurance doesn’t pay enough, and that’s why none of the doctors will take my insurance. Everyone I know who is having a baby has been having difficulty finding a doctor/midwife.

What is up with this country’s medicine?

Thank G-d I have the insurance for birth that covers emergencies. That is my breath of relief. As it is I had been twisting myself in pretzels to make some sort of plan that didn’t involve people doing stuff that I don’t plan on doing.

Last time I almost ended up with a cesarean because the doctor’s panicked. I knew it was fine. So then they had to intervene a bit anyway.

If I can do a birth naturally I will, and Thank G-d I am blessed with a healthy body, and positive birth experience from the past.

Will update this post later to include more practical info.