True confession time, right?

I am working three peoples jobs in one half-day at work, since they layed off so much of staff.

I am feeling like a bad mother because I shouted at my kids lately.

I am sad. I want somebody to tell me it’s all right.

Did you know that it’s almost impossible to think of good things after you get little sleep. I read something on it once. An article

I am not feeling talented at all. I deserve to live because I am born. I am not a bad person, but I don’t know what I am contributing in this world, other than being a mother who is not too bad most of the time, if unorganized many times; a wife who is good and faithful, but can’t get the housework done, and I still don’t understand why my husband is disapointed in me from day one; and what else am I doing? Am I polite to people on the phone? Yes, but that’s my job. WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE. Will we get out of this rat race?

Was I brought up with too expensive tastes? Yes. But I can’t even economize when I want to. I don’t spend much money, relative to my income, I do. I guess.

I hate counting pennies in the grocery store. I hate getting food coupons (They are for families with kids 3 and under, and pay for some basics like tuna fish/milk/cereal and beans). Even though we were going into debt, I stopped them. Why? Even though they saved me up to $80-100 a week. Because I had to stand in line and keep everybody in line behind me waiting. I think they make them hard for the cashier to process on purpose. Just so you won’t get them if you don’t absolutely need them. I hate telling people about my life, are my kids up to date on their vaccines. (a prerequisite for food coupons) How many hours do I work a day. How many do I plan to.

Did you know (this is horrible) a man killed his wife and 5 kids because they were in debt and they both were fired at once. It’s so horrible. I was especially attentive when I heard that they forged documents for income requirements to get govt funded childcare. I never did that, but I remember the lady helping me apply a helping me to calculate this way and that to get to the number that was definitely under the required amount. Once I was over by $100, and the childcare was gone the next day. The federal work people came in and checked during an overhaul of the budget and rechecked the documents and then said I was over. Ha! What people are driven to in their pain. God forbid, I should even think of anything like this man did, and I’m not. It made me think that I am much more prepared to face difficult circumstances after the situation I was in 4 years ago. God forbid it should happen to anyone else. I didn’t have a place to live and we had two children and me pregnant. My husband didn’t leave me behind. We worked together and got out of it. But now I feel bad. I am not doign well with the budget. Of course our federal government can’t balance a budget either. I feel like a failure. I want an “out” card. I want somebody to say, “this is your purpose in life,” or “these are the purposes you are supposed to reveal in your life–if you are not perfect this stuff counts, and this stuff doesn’t…” How do you know the difference? What in this life is absolutely worth doing?

I believe that it is worthwhile to have children. I believe it is worthwhile to get married. I believe it is worthwhile to love people. I believe that I am going to make it through this. I believe

I have talent. I am going to make it.

Are any of you having a hard time? Do you ever feel like God is nudging you to do a better job? I do. What job do you want me to do, God?

What happinesses would you like me to experience, and how would you prefer I would become the way I should be and receive all the Good you have for me???

http://greenprophet.com/2009/01/06/5657/breastfeeding-tips/

A couple of slightly more unusual tips for those of you who are considering baby feeding options.

I am feeling helpless. Okay, so I am being overdramatic maybe–but I am having issues trying to find a good situation to have this baby–and it’s really getting on my nerves!

Okay, so I am calling around, trying to find a doctor or situation that I am comfortable with. Also I am trying to go to work. All my kids have cold/flu with varying degrees of fever, cough or runny nose. Well, thank goodness the fever is gone in the kid with one. That was very nerve-wracking. I hate fevers! They make me very nervous like something bad would maybe happen. My home is a mess. Not the very very worst it’s every been, but not presentable that I would open the door to someone I don’t know and still be proud of myself. All my papers seem to be in a huge mess, I think we got a ticket for not renewing the registration on one of our cars, and… oh who knows what else.

 In any case, I am very unhappy–and at the same time there is this little space right inside of me that say: Maybe we can make it through and be all right. If I just trust in Hash-m and do my best. On the other hand, I really pray that I don’t do too much procrastinating on the bills to pay and stuff to straighten out…or what would be even worse would be to keep shouting at the three little ones as I did earlier after I had picked them up from school…tossing out automatic senseless threats and phrases, “I am going to send you to your room” “stop it” “you’re going to get in big trouble” “you’re going to get a time out” “please stop, I can’t handle the stress” “I really need you to be helpful” and “go to your room”.

I didn’t follow up on anything! Aaaaaah Lately I’ve been doing really much better on being consistent; I’ve been asking, then giving a warning with clear firm consequence, then following through on the time-out or taking away the toy they are fighting over.

But today I am like a yapping cat (if you can imagine what that feels).

Okay, I am feeling better. I will go read bedtime story to the ones who are awake and consider myself decompressed for the evening. Maybe I’ll do some cleaning up after I get them to sleep.

Thanks anyone who sympathized with or even if you read through this messy head-clearing post!!!